A Fable In Honor of the 25th Anniversary of the PC Virus

Yesterday, I heard on the radio that it was the 25th anniversary of the computer virus. Or maybe January 19th was the 21st anniversary. Or maybe January 26th was the 25th anniversary. Or, well, just sit back and enjoy the story:

In the beginning, God created the multiverse.

And the multiverse was without graphics and was text-based, and the Spirit of God hovered over ARPANET.

And God said, "Let there be email," and there was much email.

And God said, "Let the upper layer protocols be separated from the lower layer protocols." So God separated the protocols, and there was TCP/IP, and email abounded even more.

And God said, "Let the email be gathered to one place, and let more networks appear," and USENET and BITNET came forth, and email abounded even more.

And God said, "Let the people produce personal computers, according to their various kinds." And there were PCs and Macs and Tandys, and the people were much too busy learning how to use WordStar and VisiCalc and Zork to send much email to each other.

And God said, "Let there be an expanse of bandwidth to separate the 56 Kbps users from the 1.5 Mbps users, and let the expanse of bandwidth give access to all people on earth." And there was T1 and Sendmail, and email abounded once again.

And God commanded the people saying, "Of every email in the multiverse you may freely read, but on the attachment to the email which ends in .exe, .com, .msi, .pif, or .scr thou shalt not click. For in the day that thou clickest such an attachment, thy computer shall surely die."

Now the Cracker was more subtle than any of the other avatars in the multiverse. And he sent an email to all the people that said, "Click here. Please." And there were those who clicked and those who did not click. And the eyes of those who clicked were opened, and they came to know the difference between good and evil, but it availed them not as their boot sectors were corrupted.

Then those who clicked heard the voice of God as if it was rising up out of the multiverse, and God said to those who clicked, "What is this that thou hast done?" And those who clicked answered, "The Cracker beguiled us, and we did click upon his attachment. We have also sent him our bank account numbers that he may transfer much wealth into them."

Then God said, "Oy! Didst thou not read the memo? Because thou hast clicked upon the attachment of which I commanded thee, saying, 'Clickest it not', thy computer is dead, and thou shalt have to buy another. In sorrow shalt thou bring forth thy emails, and spam and virii and forwarded jokes shall be in thy inbox all the days of thy life."

And God said to the Cracker, "Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all other denizens of the multiverse. Thou shalt sleep poorly and eat much junk food. There shall be enmity between thee and those who click on thy attachments. They shall spend much money for Symantec and McAfee, and thou shalt be compelled to keep cracking even after it becomes a great weariness to thy soul."

But to those who did not click, God said, "Beware lest thou, too, in an unguarded moment shalt click upon an attachment or hit the 'Reply All' button. For the Cracker prowls the multiverse like a roaring lion, seeking someone without a firewall to devour. Shouldst thou ever grow tired of the multiverse and the evils therein, remember, there is an off button."

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Did I mention that my library also has books? Happy 25th! (Or 21st, or . . . whatever.)